Sailors at Sea
In the beginning of 2010 I met a girl from Brazil whom I cared a great deal for, enough to actually travel to see her the following year. We did have our share of problems and the distance being the center. These are the songs written off this concept.
Lyrics: when we first talked I never thought of this
to be the one you loved from across this water-filled abyss
And I would try to go to bed
but with you inside my head
I would stay awake instead
Because we would talk all night no fear in sight
of the world disproving of you and I don't disguise and this won't change.
This seems so real from what I feel
of this truth deep down inside your eyes I will find a future with you
But you would always seem to say
that you fear someday I'll change
so let me just explain
Meu amor you're right
how I feel inside could always quickly change
but why would I trade this life
and this won't change.
Verse1: When I first met her it was (oddly enough) on chatroulette, the random video chat website. So obviously my intentions weren't centered around long distance relationships, yet to my surprise we started dating and our affection was mutual which was amazing to me.
Verse 2: I would feel so exhausted in for work in the morning because I had spent the night before with such happiness in my heart that I wouldn't want to lose time talking to her.
Chorus: This chorus sums up the concept of looking past the social norms of a relationship to what really matters and that I would never let the pressures of society change my mind.
Verse 3: I wanted to express how I sincere I was with my intention of keeping the relationship long term
Verse 4: She always feared I would lose my love for her no matter how many times I would tell her otherwise.
Chorus 2: I wanted to tell her it was true, there are no guarantee in life but as long as I could, I would love her.
Lyrics: The clouds they fade away
as we flew into the sky
and I began to shake
as your city breaks my sight
when you walked away
I wished as if I'd died
'cause living in this space
without you wastes my time
I wish I would have known that coming home alone
would leave me in dispair wishing I was there
because when we talk it stings thinking of the things I do
here without you
The feelings last for days
the numbing of my mind
but soon I felt the pain
and it couldn't help to cry
My heart hurt for days
I saw no end in sight
I couldn't take this pain
I have to live my life
Verse 1: I wrote this verse while I was on the plane back to the U.S. It was an amazing sunrise overtop the clouds but Although it was lovely, It was poisoned by what had just happened.
Verse 2: I remember walking into the security checkpoint after just saying my goodbyes to her and her family. I turned around to see her just as upset as I was. When I arrived home, we immediately started talking and I remember her saying something that stayed vivid in my mind. "There is wasted space here now"
Chorus: I spent so much time thinking about how great it would be to be with her that I overlooked the results that would ensue after leaving each other, how hard it would be to talk to her without feeling a lack in comparison to actually being with her.
Verse 3: After the first day, I felt strangely content with what had just happened, that would normally be a blessing but after awhile it was obvious that I wasn't okay with what happened, I was just avoiding it. Although I eventually felt it, it was too late.
Verse 4: About two months after I returned home, it was obvious that things were not going well. It was becoming painfully obvious that our futures did not blend together like I had hoped and being compressed with the stresses of a long distance relationship would just not be possible.
it's on days like these we create our memories, the loving and the whole
so it amazes me that with all this love you've seen it's started to grow old
but being introvert you pushed me back when you were hurt, thinking on these thoughts of new realities the ones without the love of me, the ones that aren't across
a deep expanding sea so far my hands can't even reach to hold your heavy heart
but in the end I hate to know your love was surely fake and see that you've moved on
it's from things like these we learn to hate our memories, the broken and the cold 'cause in the end they hold like anchors to the ocean floor never letting me carry on
Fake is by far one of the most accusing songs I've ever written, I really felt such a weight of depression on me at this time and I expressed those emotions in a way I never intended. I almost regret writing this song sometimes. It created such a separation between myself and the person of topic which I'm sure lead to the writing of others songs so I can't regret too much. The intent of this song was to try and show the world the wrongful had I had been dealt. I went from having everything my heart desired to everything I feared in the span of a hot September evening. Reflecting back on the previous months, I saw how when arguments would start between us, there would be no return to normality. Every time we talked it was worse. I would try to improve my expression of affection but I only received the cold shoulder. There was always talks about how if we were with people of our own cities we would be happy or at least content. We were neither.
Long distant relationships come at a price. Face to face conversation is still crucial, even with our modern era, It has become far too easy to hide behind a screen and I was a victim of that lesson.
A month after the relationship ended, I saw evidence of her new interest. I felt all the memories inside me turn to bitter thoughts that would haunt me for the next 7 months.
If I could change to what you need, I'd gladly leave myself behind but what you saw and thought I was and left because of was a lie
I pushed to close I tried to hard I lost myself in showing my scars, I tried to hide you from myself I thought you loved me 'cause I needed help
I though what I was wasn't enough, I thought you wanted someone who needed someone else
you will fall in love, but my heart won't stop, thinking of the things we could have done
We're just moving on
JJ: I actually wrote JJ almost 5 months after I wrote Fake, even after the rest of the album was written. I tried to make this album a complete story about my emotional status from beginning to end, but I had left a crucial part out of the story. I had written so many songs negatively showing her actions but I never admitted to my own faults. I often believe now that I was the demise of the relationship. I knew that I wasn't exactly what she needed but instead of being honest with her, I tried to fake the person I thought she wanted, not realizing she would despise it. I would try to pry myself into situations of her soul that I couldn't heal and my medaling would only make worse.
The ending of this song has a completely different story. Like many of my lyrics, They're written before their time of meaning to me. This lyric was probably written before I even started the album, but it didn't have a place in my heart until the end of this song. I understood we would never be together again and because of that, I had such a bitterness toward her. Anger tends to numb pain. It's just how I moved on.
Beneath my pain and sorrow , despite my highs and lows, you bring hope for tomorrow, you and you alone
My heart is still resisting, all the love you've shown for me, and I feel that faith is missing so why should I believe how can you set me free,
How could I ever doubt you, at least that's what I though, You took all that I once knew and now I feel lost now I feel so lost.
I now have this new feeling, I've never felt so unsure, It just feels so convicting to know that deep inside I've blocked you from my life
it left me showing me the cause of my reality of being hopeless of being broken, leaving all my thoughts in there I come out now with nothing not even a care
but you were still there
Still There: During this relationship, I let my faith lose it's stance in my life. I wasn't sure If my spiritual and moral compass was what I thought it should be anymore, especially after the break-up. I didn't want to hear anymore religious answers about my problems, I wanted my pain to last forever simply out of stubbornness and pride. This song really grabbed ahold of me. I was cleaning up my computer when I stumbled upon it and I came very close to deleting it, but after playing through the verses, I started to feel nostalgia for who I was when I wrote those words. The first two verse express a underlying faith but with doubt. I started writing the third verse, showing how I felt when it came to the previous verses, they were written before I ever met this girl. I almost felt it was my goal to show the old me I was wrong. The fourth verse was the realization of how my lapse on faith was based of my judgement of putting a worldly thing in front of it. I'd always heard that message preached in church services since I was a toddler, but never thought they would apply to my life. Worldly loves fade, and everything else with it. Once I saw there was nothing left but my faith, it solidified it.
Winter came slowly but you weren't prepared, your heart wasn't ready to leave summers air 'cause past winters hurt you though you had smiled but then things were different and her love grew wild
Chasing the lover thought to be true, your heart was too heavy and she ran from you and memories haunt you as if she'd died and her ghost surrounds you all through the night
but the sun will soon rise, and soon it will snow, you will be fine, the pain will soon go
longing to see her longing for you, you searched into her life more than she knew and wasting your efforts rushing through time you keep pushing hurt back into your life
winter was lonely you hadn't a care your heart was still hurting it didn't seem fair, although it was painful you went out to sae, you left from the harbor, you were set free.
Winter Snow: Up to this point, all these songs were written from my point of view (excluding Home Alone). This song was inspired by her father whom I had much respect for. This some is a summarized version of all the wisdom he taught me on the subject of the breakup. Most of it I would hate until months later. I didn't want to hear how things will be fine and eventually I will move on. I wanted to move back to where I was, where I was comfortable. Throughout the winter, I expressed my heartache to him, and oddly enough he listened, but every response turned back to moving on. Eventually I would realize how important his words to me would be. This song was where I decided to change from moving back to moving on.
Sailors at Sea
the color blind they live their lives in black and white but who could blame them
'cause color just gets in the way with different shades of wrong and diffferent hues of right
Perhaps we all should abandon sight and go home, to a place that isn't cold
we sail across these truthful seas to end immunity to our reality
but now we wind on painful shores filled with broken glass form the mirrors of our past
to see how we all could have lived and moved on and to have sang a different song
we're all just sailors out at sea simply searching for a breeze
Sailors at sea: This song is truly the summarization of the album and again parts of this song were written before I knew of their importance. The first two verse were nothing but catchy lyrics till I applied them to my situation, how I let my morals sway from what made me who I was. It took me traveling across the world to end my illusion of a perfect relationship at my age. I would have to see how much those decisions would change my life for the better and for the much worse, Especially knowing what could have been.
Throughout this album , there are nautical references. Based off inside information of the relationship. I took ownership of this analogy and applied it to any relationship. I believe they are like harbors. Some ships aren't meant to be in certain ports. When it's time to leave, it's bittersweet. You receive time to be yourself at sea, it's a calm secluded place to find who you are and pull out the pain in your chest , But in time life will throw storms that without a sheltered harbor will batter you and resurface your pains. You have to rely on The universe, God, whatever you decide to be your deity on where you are taken. If you try to force your way into a harbor, it will never work. you have to live your life without trying to control it.
Thank you so much for reading through all of my lousy lyrics. I promise you my new album will be so much more insightful.